Happy 4th Birthday, Greta!

Greta Laine turns FOUR tomorrow! FOUR! It's hard to believe that this was her just shortly after she was born. Sometimes it seems like yesterday, and then sometimes it seems so long ago.

Caddy Kids

For Christmas this year, Santa brought the children a Cadillac Escalade. Here's Greta giving Teddy a ride.

Catching Up

Where does one start when she hasn't blogged in over half a year? I don't know, but I will try. I've had friends ask me, "Why don't you blog anymore?" and I usually blow it off as not having time or energy. The thing is, I've got lots to say. I love to write. I have sweet little dumplings to blog about. It's not until recently that I realized why I've been hiding. Life has been too raw and too real at times, and I don't know how to hold back with the emotions and feelings that I have. I fear scrutiny from both people who know me and those who don't. But here's the thing -- the other day, I came across a blogger whose son also have global developmental delay. Her blog drew me in, and I couldn't be torn away. For so long, I've felt so alone in this journey. And now to know there are others out there whose children are similar to Teddy makes me feel a little less lost. When I think of how her blog helped me, it makes me wonder if maybe I should blog more to help myself and to help others? I don't know, and I'm not going to promise more blogging at this point, but what I do know is that I'm going to try to give an honest report of what we've been up to lately.

I'm still married and still in love with Mr. Walter. He works a lot, and I hate it, but I know we couldn't have the life we have if it weren't for him and his strong work ethic. He turns the big FOUR-OH this year so we're in the works of planning a fun vacation of some sort, one without kids, and that makes my heart go pitter-patter so fast! We both need a break, and I'm thinking somewhere tropical could be just what's in order.

Greta Laine, Greta Laine. Oh, the love I have for this girl when she is a good girl. And oh, the trauma and drama she can wreak as well. The little miss lovely turns four years old next week! She is spending the summer going to "camp" at her preschool. She is there all day five days a week, and sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not a better mom, one who has her at home doing 50 Fun Activities for Kids that I found on Pinterest. I feel bad that I'm not spending more time with her, but the truth is, with all Teddy's appointments, she'd be bored out of her mind in all the waiting rooms. Plus, as crafty as I am, I am not one to engage in constant, continuous creative play. It exhausts me, and I think I'm a better mother for admitting this. (Side note: THIS is where I fear the scrutiny.)

Baby Teddy. I suppose I should no longer call him Baby Teddy since he'll be two years old in August. He's still my sweet little baby boy though in so many ways. He still does not walk unassistated -- he can cruise furniture and walk holding our  hands. He was non-verbal for so long, and he just now has started to repeat a lot of words we're saying. We're continuing physical, occupational and speeh therapies through the state's early intervention program, and we also do physical therapy and speech therapy through other providers through our private insurance. Thursdays are the only days we don't have an appointment; we are busy!

People ask all the time how Teddy is doing. There are some days that I can focus on the positive -- he's had no regression, he's not a fussy child, and he keeps showing improvements. Two weeks ago, Teddy had tubes put in his ears. In two weeks, Teddy will have a follow-up MRI. This won't solve any mysteries but it might be able to provide us with some comparison of the brain injury from two years ago.

Some days though, I get down and focus on the fact that no one knows for sure what the future holds. We don't know if Teddy will ever catch up with his peers. We don't know when he will walk on his own or when he'll talk. I don't mind talking about his delays, and I don't want anyone to ever be afraid to ask about him. It's the unanswered questions that plague my mind and my heart. The truth is, I sometimes feel incredibly burdened by the fear of all the unknown, but I also remind myself to feel blessed that he is a survivor who fights a battle every day with a smile on his face.

The Boy I Love

Here are a few photos of Teddy... standing strong, cruising more and more and learning to walk with his walker. The boy is a trooper. I'm so glad he is mine -- I'm so in love with the little rascal.

Us Lately

I know I haven't blogged in ages. My apologies. I've been busy! Here's a little mish-mash of photos of late...

Here's Eric and me. In early November, we celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary.

Here's Teddy, sweetest baby boy ever. The kid melts my heart a zillion times a day. For real.

He's recently learned to pull himself up from kneeling to standing, which is huge for him!!! Here he is trying to help unload the dishwasher.

The boy LOVES to eat. He's still a bit small for his age (21 lbs., 13 oz. at his last doctor's visit), but the pediatrician says a lower weight is normal for kids who are a little developmentally behind.

 And Miss Greta. So independent. Loves all things Dora, including the shirt she is wearing in this picture. The same shirt you might have heard me mention -- the one that gets dragged from the dirty laundry over and over again. She wants to wear it dirty. One time, she wore it three days in a row. Yes, I know, we're gross.

We had a great Thanksgiving, spent with family and lots of delicious food. Teddy wasn't into his get-up, and that's fine. I only dress him like this because one day he won't let me .

 Here's our Christmas tree. We get a live one each year, and I love it!

 Miss Greta, making the Joseph and Mary Little People kiss. I don't know who teaches her this crap.

 Did I mention he likes to eat?

 Teddy is doing physical therapy 2-3 times a week, and he's learning to crawl. So far, he's mastered slithering on the floor. It's pretty cute, even if it's not what the PTs want him to do. Lately he's started getting up on all fours. We're elated with his progress!

 Meanwhile, he loves loves loves the computer.

They love each other.

 but maybe not so much with the matching jammies!?

 Greta had her first pre-k Christmas concert. She was an angel. Oh, the irony! Ha!

 Christmas brings out other props, too, like the Santa hat.

 We got together with friends and made gingerbread houses. Mommy did most of the decorating while Greta taste-tested the candies.

I hope to write more soon. Hope anyone reading this is having a low-key holiday!

xoxo

Greta - October 2011

Teddy - October 2011

Teddy's First Haircut

Teddy had his first haircut this past weekend. He was overdue, as shown in this first photo where he looks like he's growing a mullet. You can tell by the second photo that he didn't enjoy it much. I just sat there and prayed he didn't get poked in the eye by those sharp sheers. (He did not.) 

Before

During

After

And back to his happy little self!

The Heart of Life

Today marks one year since we first met with Teddy's neurologist and received news that his illness may be fatal.

Those words -- THAT word, the F word -- it's a hard one to type, even 365 days later. At the time, the neurologist was unsure of Teddy's diagnosis. It could have been a life-threatening genetic disease or a bad virus. Even though we now know that his illness was an enterovirus that caused the encephalitis.

The day of finding out that the results of our son's brain MRI contained massive white matter. I type that and can't even come up with a comprehensive sentence because I can't get past the prepositional part of it. I guess the verb is that it was the scariest moment of our lives, one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, one where I'm glad I married my best friend and had him right at my side to get through the terror.

That moment that led up to many more moments of waiting has bruised my heart forever, I must admit. That bruise, though, is also surrounded by a toughness that I never knew was there. I wish I could say it was all me, that me, myself and I am just some super strong force that can't be reckoned with, but that's a lie. The truth is, there's a circle of people, friends and family and even complete strangers, who prayed and prayed for our son's well being. Countless thoughts and prayers later, here we are at a year. Teddy is alive and well. Thank you, God.

This past weekend we celebrated Teddy's life with friends and family. It was a party to wish him a happy birthday, but it was also our way of saying thank you to all those dear to us who reached out and got us through the darkest hours.

There's a song that I sang to Teddy while he was in the hospital. It's not ever played on mainstream radio so many may not know it. It's John Mayer's Heart of Life. I've copied the song's lyrics below. It says exactly so many things that I thought and felt and still think and feel. Pain threw our hearts to the ground, and it hasn't all gone away even though it should. Bad news never did have good timing, no; but Eric and I have a circle of friends who've defended the silver lining. For them, I am forever grateful. There are no words for me to ever adequately thank each person, but I hope you can hear it in the sincerity of my voice and the lingering embrace of my hug. Only life is good. And THAT is because of our circle of friends and family.

So, tonight, when I say bedtime prayers, my first and foremost will be for Teddy's health, closely followed by thanksgiving for all of you.

I hate to see you cry
Laying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your firends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good. 

All Is Well

Teddy met with his pediatrician for his one-year checkup yesterday. He measures 30 inches long and 20 pounds, 14 ounces in weight. The nystagmus in his eyes has tamed down, and his ears look great. To hear that your child is growing adequately is music to any parent's ears, yes. But in our situation, where I worry nonstop whether he is growing or developing -- well, I used all my will to not fist bump the nurse.

For those who do not know, Teddy is developmentally behind. This is a result of a bad viral infection that went to his brain and caused brain injury when he was just two weeks old. When Teddy was so sick at that time, he suffered from seizures and was placed on anti-seizure medication. That medication made him very lethargic and groggy for the first six+ months of his life. The medication, in addition to the effect the injury had on his brain, has slowed him down just a bit.

But the good news is this -- despite any hurdles he's encountered, there have never been setbacks. He continues to move forward and learn and do what babies are supposed to do. 

At the end of the appointment, Eric asked the doctor, "Can you answer one thing for my wife, to help settle her nerves? Is he going to be okay?"

And -- without hesitation -- the doctor said he believes Teddy will  be just fine. Sure, he admitted that progress will be slow. So I asked if he'd walk and go to kindergarten, in which the doctor replied that he believed he would.

This past year has been a year of slow, and although there are times I don't know how much more I can handle, I know that I can and that I will continue to handle whatever comes our way. I owe it to my little guy. I can handle slow for him. I can handle slow knowing that the doctor thinks that in time, he's going to be just fine.

Happy 1st Birthday, Teddy!

Teddy turned one this past weekend. We celebrated small and are saving the big celebration for Labor Day weekend when all my sisters can be here. Here he is devouring his smash cake. He might be small, but the boy loves his food!

Greta's a Preschooler

Today was Greta's first day of pre-k. She goes every week day for half a day. Other than me taking photos outside sans bra or combed hair, the whole thing was rather uneventful. Still, for scrapbooking purposes (!!!) I HAD to take photos!