The Waiting Game

The waiting game. It sucks. And that's exactly what I'm currently playing -- the waiting game. As of today, I've got seven days to wait to find out whether or not I'm pregnant with our third child. A month ago, two consecutive home pregnancy tests indicated positive. Later, three weeks-worth of blood tests showed elevated HCG and progesterone levels.

Last week, I went in to the doctor, had an ultrasound, and that is where I learned I was only measuring 5 weeks and 5 days instead of the 7 I thought I was. So, there was no fetal pole at the ultrasound, but the ultrasound technician and doctor both said that maybe it was too early to tell. Maybe I had miscalculated my dates. Lots of maybes...

So now I wait. To see if fetal pole has developed or if I have a blighted ovum, which is basically nature's cruel joke of feeling and being pregnant without really being pregnant.

I no longer feel pregnant. That is because any joy I had has been swallowed by feelings of what-ifs and what-nots. The other day I went to get a massage, and on the paperwork you fill out, you're asked whether you're pregnant. Once the massage therapist saw that I'd marked PREGNANT, he said he couldn't give me a massage since I was in my first trimester. I wanted to be like, "No, but I'm not really pregnant, you see, I just have an empty sac in my uterus, dude." But of course, I did not. I went to Wal-Mart instead because what other way to make yourself feel better about yourself than a trip to Wal-Mart?

I'm operating here on limited resources, people. My hormones are whacked out because either I'm pregnant or I'm not pregnant, and did I mention that they took away my fucking pills!?!? That's right; I have gone down from four anti-depressants to one, and that one has been cut in half. I'll be the first to admit that I was on quite a cocktail of mood stabilizers, so maybe it's a good thing that they've been reduced and replaced with folic acid, baby aspirin and progesterone.

To add to my emotions, Teddy turns three years old next week, which means he'll start school at the early childhood and special education center here in town. My nest will feel empty enough without having him home right by my side.

In the meantime, I will continue to pray to God that we see a heartbeat at the next ultrasound. I know I already have two healthy children and blah blah blah, but I want this one, too. And so, I continue to wait.

Update: We went to the doctor for the ultrasound, and the results were the same. I had a d&c several days later. I'm doing okay.