The Waiting Game

The waiting game. It sucks. And that's exactly what I'm currently playing -- the waiting game. As of today, I've got seven days to wait to find out whether or not I'm pregnant with our third child. A month ago, two consecutive home pregnancy tests indicated positive. Later, three weeks-worth of blood tests showed elevated HCG and progesterone levels.

Last week, I went in to the doctor, had an ultrasound, and that is where I learned I was only measuring 5 weeks and 5 days instead of the 7 I thought I was. So, there was no fetal pole at the ultrasound, but the ultrasound technician and doctor both said that maybe it was too early to tell. Maybe I had miscalculated my dates. Lots of maybes...

So now I wait. To see if fetal pole has developed or if I have a blighted ovum, which is basically nature's cruel joke of feeling and being pregnant without really being pregnant.

I no longer feel pregnant. That is because any joy I had has been swallowed by feelings of what-ifs and what-nots. The other day I went to get a massage, and on the paperwork you fill out, you're asked whether you're pregnant. Once the massage therapist saw that I'd marked PREGNANT, he said he couldn't give me a massage since I was in my first trimester. I wanted to be like, "No, but I'm not really pregnant, you see, I just have an empty sac in my uterus, dude." But of course, I did not. I went to Wal-Mart instead because what other way to make yourself feel better about yourself than a trip to Wal-Mart?

I'm operating here on limited resources, people. My hormones are whacked out because either I'm pregnant or I'm not pregnant, and did I mention that they took away my fucking pills!?!? That's right; I have gone down from four anti-depressants to one, and that one has been cut in half. I'll be the first to admit that I was on quite a cocktail of mood stabilizers, so maybe it's a good thing that they've been reduced and replaced with folic acid, baby aspirin and progesterone.

To add to my emotions, Teddy turns three years old next week, which means he'll start school at the early childhood and special education center here in town. My nest will feel empty enough without having him home right by my side.

In the meantime, I will continue to pray to God that we see a heartbeat at the next ultrasound. I know I already have two healthy children and blah blah blah, but I want this one, too. And so, I continue to wait.

Update: We went to the doctor for the ultrasound, and the results were the same. I had a d&c several days later. I'm doing okay.

A Few Photos...

Here are a few photos from this spring...

Greta at the school Easter egg hunt

 

Greta being sassy bee

Sharing popcorn while watching a movie

Dancing in the rain with Hannah, our neighbor

Ready to hunt eggs at the school egg hunt

 

So serious!

 

Playing in the rain

 

Greta cut her hair a couple weeks ago. All by herself. When I asked her why she did it, she said, "I'm sick of being a girl. I want to be a boy."

Hello!

What's up, Internet?!? Lots new here, especially since the last time I blogged. I'm proud to announce that Teddy has been walking on his own for the past three months. He's still in physical therapy twice a week, and we're still doing our weekly gymnastics class as well. He is starting to offer more and more spontaneous speech, although it is still definitely delayed and limited. He started taking a three-hour class called "Chatterbox," and I think it's been helpful. In addition to the class, he has one-on-one speech therapy as well. Last fall, Teddy did hippotherapy (horse therapy), and just last week he started riding horses again.

As for Greta, well... Greta is a pistol. She frequently gets in trouble at pre-school, and she recently told us that she "likes to be naughty." We could read every parenting book out there and still feel like there wasn't one to match up to Greta and her antics. At this point, we're still on the fence whether she will go to kindergarten this coming year or the following. I won't begin to list on here the reasons why we might keep her back because it seems that everyone has a strong opinion about the matter, and I love love love it when people think they know what is best for MY child.

This is us in a nutshell. Soon I hope to post some photos of shining happy faces!

Celebrating Teddy's 2nd

It's hard to believe our little guy is two. We spent the day at the zoo and then celebrated with family in the evening. It was a great day! Happy birthday, Theodor August! You make my heart sing!

Pre-School

Greta started her second year of pre-school today. This will be her second year in the same class; we've decided to keep her back a year so that she'll be one of the older students in her kindergarten class. That means she'll be doing three years of pre-school total. 

Here is the little miss on her first day of year two:

 And here is Teddy, watching her at door as she gets in the car to leave:

How We Celebrated Greta's 4th

We played at Chuck E. Cheese's.

We had a Rapunzel birthday cake that mama made.

We tried on our gifts.

We bounced with our friends at Bounce U.

We dressed up like a princess.

We blew out the candles on our pink cake made by Mimi but refused to eat it.

We were happy and silly.

PT & OT

Teddy receives occupational, physical, and speech therapies through our state's early intervention program as well as through providers through our own insurance. We do physical therapy twice a week, occupational therapy every other week and speech therapy twice a week. Here's Teddy playing in shaving cream with his occupational therapist and then here he is playing in the laundry basket with his physical therapist.

Happy 4th Birthday, Greta!

Greta Laine turns FOUR tomorrow! FOUR! It's hard to believe that this was her just shortly after she was born. Sometimes it seems like yesterday, and then sometimes it seems so long ago.

Caddy Kids

For Christmas this year, Santa brought the children a Cadillac Escalade. Here's Greta giving Teddy a ride.

Catching Up

Where does one start when she hasn't blogged in over half a year? I don't know, but I will try. I've had friends ask me, "Why don't you blog anymore?" and I usually blow it off as not having time or energy. The thing is, I've got lots to say. I love to write. I have sweet little dumplings to blog about. It's not until recently that I realized why I've been hiding. Life has been too raw and too real at times, and I don't know how to hold back with the emotions and feelings that I have. I fear scrutiny from both people who know me and those who don't. But here's the thing -- the other day, I came across a blogger whose son also have global developmental delay. Her blog drew me in, and I couldn't be torn away. For so long, I've felt so alone in this journey. And now to know there are others out there whose children are similar to Teddy makes me feel a little less lost. When I think of how her blog helped me, it makes me wonder if maybe I should blog more to help myself and to help others? I don't know, and I'm not going to promise more blogging at this point, but what I do know is that I'm going to try to give an honest report of what we've been up to lately.

I'm still married and still in love with Mr. Walter. He works a lot, and I hate it, but I know we couldn't have the life we have if it weren't for him and his strong work ethic. He turns the big FOUR-OH this year so we're in the works of planning a fun vacation of some sort, one without kids, and that makes my heart go pitter-patter so fast! We both need a break, and I'm thinking somewhere tropical could be just what's in order.

Greta Laine, Greta Laine. Oh, the love I have for this girl when she is a good girl. And oh, the trauma and drama she can wreak as well. The little miss lovely turns four years old next week! She is spending the summer going to "camp" at her preschool. She is there all day five days a week, and sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not a better mom, one who has her at home doing 50 Fun Activities for Kids that I found on Pinterest. I feel bad that I'm not spending more time with her, but the truth is, with all Teddy's appointments, she'd be bored out of her mind in all the waiting rooms. Plus, as crafty as I am, I am not one to engage in constant, continuous creative play. It exhausts me, and I think I'm a better mother for admitting this. (Side note: THIS is where I fear the scrutiny.)

Baby Teddy. I suppose I should no longer call him Baby Teddy since he'll be two years old in August. He's still my sweet little baby boy though in so many ways. He still does not walk unassistated -- he can cruise furniture and walk holding our  hands. He was non-verbal for so long, and he just now has started to repeat a lot of words we're saying. We're continuing physical, occupational and speeh therapies through the state's early intervention program, and we also do physical therapy and speech therapy through other providers through our private insurance. Thursdays are the only days we don't have an appointment; we are busy!

People ask all the time how Teddy is doing. There are some days that I can focus on the positive -- he's had no regression, he's not a fussy child, and he keeps showing improvements. Two weeks ago, Teddy had tubes put in his ears. In two weeks, Teddy will have a follow-up MRI. This won't solve any mysteries but it might be able to provide us with some comparison of the brain injury from two years ago.

Some days though, I get down and focus on the fact that no one knows for sure what the future holds. We don't know if Teddy will ever catch up with his peers. We don't know when he will walk on his own or when he'll talk. I don't mind talking about his delays, and I don't want anyone to ever be afraid to ask about him. It's the unanswered questions that plague my mind and my heart. The truth is, I sometimes feel incredibly burdened by the fear of all the unknown, but I also remind myself to feel blessed that he is a survivor who fights a battle every day with a smile on his face.

The Boy I Love

Here are a few photos of Teddy... standing strong, cruising more and more and learning to walk with his walker. The boy is a trooper. I'm so glad he is mine -- I'm so in love with the little rascal.

Us Lately

I know I haven't blogged in ages. My apologies. I've been busy! Here's a little mish-mash of photos of late...

Here's Eric and me. In early November, we celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary.

Here's Teddy, sweetest baby boy ever. The kid melts my heart a zillion times a day. For real.

He's recently learned to pull himself up from kneeling to standing, which is huge for him!!! Here he is trying to help unload the dishwasher.

The boy LOVES to eat. He's still a bit small for his age (21 lbs., 13 oz. at his last doctor's visit), but the pediatrician says a lower weight is normal for kids who are a little developmentally behind.

 And Miss Greta. So independent. Loves all things Dora, including the shirt she is wearing in this picture. The same shirt you might have heard me mention -- the one that gets dragged from the dirty laundry over and over again. She wants to wear it dirty. One time, she wore it three days in a row. Yes, I know, we're gross.

We had a great Thanksgiving, spent with family and lots of delicious food. Teddy wasn't into his get-up, and that's fine. I only dress him like this because one day he won't let me .

 Here's our Christmas tree. We get a live one each year, and I love it!

 Miss Greta, making the Joseph and Mary Little People kiss. I don't know who teaches her this crap.

 Did I mention he likes to eat?

 Teddy is doing physical therapy 2-3 times a week, and he's learning to crawl. So far, he's mastered slithering on the floor. It's pretty cute, even if it's not what the PTs want him to do. Lately he's started getting up on all fours. We're elated with his progress!

 Meanwhile, he loves loves loves the computer.

They love each other.

 but maybe not so much with the matching jammies!?

 Greta had her first pre-k Christmas concert. She was an angel. Oh, the irony! Ha!

 Christmas brings out other props, too, like the Santa hat.

 We got together with friends and made gingerbread houses. Mommy did most of the decorating while Greta taste-tested the candies.

I hope to write more soon. Hope anyone reading this is having a low-key holiday!

xoxo